Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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