Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
