I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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