I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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