Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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