I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
