am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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