dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i need some magic done to my vagina
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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