I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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