my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
