he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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