He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
