My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
vagina is talking i cant
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
