Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
