I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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