im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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