I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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