I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
