I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
