It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
