This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
