Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
