Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
