I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
