You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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