I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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