who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Someone came in the potted fern
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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