My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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