He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
This baby is an asshole
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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