I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize