Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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