I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
