You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
