alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
