I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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