i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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