So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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