If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
