I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize