And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
