Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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