his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
