if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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