I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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