When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
