my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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