Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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