I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
