Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
