Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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