Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
