I showed him my bush... on skype.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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