dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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