I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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