At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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