You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
