I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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