Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Do you still have your period?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
