I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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