I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Randomize
