Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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