I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
